Guide to Football and Beer Drinking: Week 3

Most blogs post Friday commentary on who they think will win games. They use the spreads and (gasp) stats. Well, I absolutely stink at guessing which team will cover as a roaddog or will continue their dominance when playing on a Saturday night with a full moon. I'll say it a different way: I suck at picking teams.

However, there are two things I'm good for on Saturdays: Drinking beer and watching football. So, let's look at my schedule for tomorrow along with how many beers I think I'll drink watching each game.

11:00

Pittsburgh at Michigan State (ESPN)/Central Michigan at Purdue (ESPN2)

ESPN had the Miami/Oklahoma game last week at this slot. Of course, that means that it has used up all of its 11:00 "Marquee Game" alottment for the season. Back to crappy Big Ten matchups. Where the cheese runs like a river and you can't tell the gender of a fan until within five feet. Since the games are completely devoid of any interest, I thought I'd list some notable alumni from each school:

Purdue: Ted Allen, listed as "one of the fab five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" (their description, not mine) and George Peppard (better known as John "Hannibal" Smith from the A-Team).

Michigan State: Chris Hansen, of "To Catch a Predator" Fame, and actor James Caan

Pittsburgh: Presidential "Hopeful" Ron Paul, and Gust Avrakotos, a CIA agent who, during the 1980's armed, the mujaheddin in Afghanistan (thanks for that).

Central Michigan: Jim Meyers, better known as George "The Animal" Steele of wrestling fame, and Jeff Daniels, who you may remember from his tour de force "Dumb and Dumber.

GO ILLINIHOOSIERSHAWKSWOLVERINESSPARTANSGOPHERSCATS
BUCKEYES CATSBOILERMAKERSBADGERS!!!!!

ESPN loves you and I hate you with all of my soul.

2 Sips of One Beer

11:30

Mississippi State at Auburn (JP)

All right. I had to take the week off from updating this blog because last week AU lost to USF. USF. Cripes, USF. The optimist in me points out that it was an unbelievable feat for the AU defense to take the game into overtime despite five turnovers. The rest of me says HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE FIVE TURNOVERS AGAINST USF???? Well, a freshman runningback making his debut doesn't help. Fannin's going to be a stud (as my family is tired of hearing me say), but if he fumbles another time this season he's going to have a hard time showing his face around campus. Then, there is Brandon Cox. Brandon, what has happened? When did you start consistently thowing off of your back foot? What could possibly be the excuse for fumbling on a quarterback sneak? Why have you gained the wonderful habit of staring down receivers from the time you leave the huddle up until the ball is intercepted in triple coverage? You're a sixth-year senior. Act like it.

All right. Enough of the rant. Now, the offensively hapless Bulldogs come to Auburn flush with a great victory over Tulane. Bulldog fans are actually talking smack. The apocolypse is upon us surely. Let me clue you in on something, MSU. You suck offensively. Your quarterback has the armstrength of a three year-old toddler. And I don't care how much it is "All About the Maroon", it ain't gonna happen this week. I want AU to come out and score around 35 on these chumps. If we start with a consistent running game, I think it's possible. If the running game falters (Lord help you if you fumble Fannin), I'll put the score at around 21. But rest assured, MSU, no matter how well or badly AU's offense plays, the MSU score will still be the same: 0

6 Beers

2:30

Notre Dame at Michigan (ABC)

As if Michigan is not having enough problems, "star" quarterback Chris Henne won't be playing. That means that Freshman Ryan Mallett will be starting in his first game. Money quote from the linked article: The freshman from Texarkana, Texas enrolled at Michigan in January and participated in spring practice. "That helps a lot," offensive tackle Jake Long said. "It's kind of like he's a redshirt freshman."

Such strong words of confidence have never been spoken.

0-2 Michigan...0-2 Notre Dame...True freshmen quarterbacks...I think it will look something like this:



I'm putting the over/under for interceptions at 30. And that's because neither defense is very good.

1 Beer

Tennessee at Florida (CBS)

{Sportscaster voice} This SEC Showdown will go a long way to showing who is the Cream of the Crop in the SEC. Powerhouses Tennessee and Florida Face Off in what is sure to be a Game of the Century.{Sportscaster hangs himself in gleeful anticipation}

I really don't think this is going to be much of a game. After being slaughtered by Cali-"We don't play defense in the PAC-10"-fornia, Tennessee played a very close game against Conference USA juggernaught Southern Miss. Southern freakin Miss. USM quarterback Jason Young threw for 254 yards on Tennessee's defense. Jason WHO?

I know, Florida hasn't exactly been going up against stellar competition (although Troy is certainly no pushover). But, in two games, Tim Tebow has thrown for 536 yards, completed 73.8% of his passes and six touchdowns with no interceptions. Oh, and he's just run for 131 yards with three touchdowns. And that's while only playing parts of the first two games. This kid is an animal and I fully expect him to destroy Tennessee's porous defense.

2 Beers

Texas at UCF (ESPN)

This one's a little strange. So far, Texas beat Arkansas State by only eight points (and may have won only due to a blown call). They followed this up with what looks to be an impressive 34-13 win over TCU. Until you notice that Texas was trailing TCU at halftime 10-0. The Knights upset NC State in their first game 25-23. Will they follow it up with an even bigger game? Probably not. But still one to keep an eye on.

2 Beers

5:45

Arkansas at Alabama (ESPN)

I'll admit it. I was scratching my head when I saw the line on this game (bama with 3 1/2 points). Isn't this the same team that was beaten by Arkansas last year? Well, no. And it's not the same Arkansas team, either. Yeah, Arkansas has a Heisman hopeful at running back, but its defense lost a large chunk of its experienced talent to graduation. And don't let the Troy score fool you. Troy was giving Arkansas all it wanted until Troy's quarterback (who accounts for about 99.9% of the offense) was hurt in the second half.

Then you have bama. Going into the season, I thought a major weakness on offense was going to be the running game. Well, against a decent Vandy defense, bama ran for over 220 yards and had 371 yards in total offense. I think Arkansas has the talent to score on bama; but, I don't think they have enough horses to keep up. I see bama scoring 35-45 points. Arkansas can't match that.

3 Beers

7:00

Southern California at Nebraska (ABC)

I don't care how much The ABCDISNEYESPN Overlord wants to hype it, this game is going to be ugly. Nebraska is a decent team. They've beaten a bad Nevada team and a decent Wake Forest team. But, let's be serious. This is USC. This is the same team that intentionally took a delay of game penalty on a PAT kick to honor a dead kicker. Sure, it's a nice gesture. But, they feel so confident (rightfully) of winning games that they don't mind being penalized. How do you compete against that Nebraska? You don't.

One Beer

Boston College at Georgia Tech (ESPN2)

Does anyone really care about a matchup between two middling ACC teams? Me neither.

Sips of Beer

Interview with the Groves Family

Phillip Marshall continues to cover the Tigers in a manner all too often missing from today's "journalist". In his latest column, Marshall recounts his interview with Quentin Groves and his wife, Treska. It brings to mind the better traits of a marriage: support through the bad times and motivation when complacency sets in. How a person can make your life and values more concrete, more real and more fulfilling. Or, just know how to push your buttons:

"I remember the South Carolina game," Quentin says, laughing and shaking his head. "I had like 8-9 tackles. I think I had one sack. After the game, I had a voicemail to call her. She said 'You weren't hitting them hard enough.' I said I was just trying to get them on the ground, not trying to kill them. She said, 'I know, baby, but your tackles are looking weak.'"

Guide to Football and Beer Drinking: Week 2

Great googly-moogly! Football from 10:00 in the morning to 11:00 at night!

10:00

West Virginia at Marshall (ESPN2)

Ugh. Nothing like an early morning game to get the day going. It's no 2004 Boise State v. SJU, but it's still early enough to not properly be called "football".

I feel sorry for Marshall. Once, they were that plucky underdog that powerhouse schools regretted scheduling. Now, the only thing they're known for is a movie. A movie starring this guy. That's just sad.

Last week they got pummeled by a recovering-but-still-bad Miami team. This week, they're going to get slaughtered by a West "We Need Style Points for the BCS" Virginia team. At 10:00 in the morning. Ugh.

One Glass of Milk and Scrambled Eggs (what...do you think I'm in college or something?)

11:00

Miami, FL at Oklahoma (ABC)

Speaking of recovering-but-still-bad, Miami enters this game having been thoroughly embarrased one month ago by this event. The Fighting Ibises (or Ibisi?) follow-up their creampuff opener against Marshall by traveling to Oklahoma. Oklahoma is a team trying to find its identity. It lost its best runningback to the draft only one year after losing its best paid quarterback to the NCAA.

Actually, this is going to be a pretty good game. Certainly not as good as it may have been five years ago, but definitely the best game I've ever seen at the 11:00 ESPN time slot. Ever. Throw in the Cunningham/Franklin duo as commentators, and this is a game I can settle into watching.

3 Beers

Nebraska at Wake Forest (ESPN)

Nebraska thrashed Nevada last week 52-10. But then again, no offense to the Wolfpack, but it was Nevada. Wake Forest should be a much touger opponent. Both teams play like they belong in the SEC. If only they had demure women and classy coaches, they would fit right in. Should be a slobberknocker dominated by defense and strong running games.

1.5 Beers

11:30

Alabama at Vanderbilt (JP)

The time has arrived. The Dubose Franchione Price Shula Saban Era has begun. After its (ahem) monumental victory over Western Carolina, Alabama heads to the golden plains of Vanderbilt to take on the Commodores. Let's go ahead and get this out of the way: Vanderbilt will not upset bama. Not going to happen. At one point, Vanderbilt may have snuck up on bama. After all, this was the "Best Team Vanderbilt Has Had in Years"™. That's kind of like saying Houston Nutt only text messaged someone 35 times in one night. Sure, it's less than normal, but is it really saying much? Too much noise has been made about this game. As I read elsewhere, if everyone is picking an upset, the big dog is going to win. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying Saban-coached teams can't be snuck up on. He is just as prone to lay an egg as Tuberville (see 2000 UAB, 2000 Arkansas, 2001 Ole Miss, 2002 Virginia Tech, 2002 Auburn, 2002 bama, 2004 Troy State and his entire career as an NFL coach). But, if Vanderbilt wins, it will be because it out talents and out coaches bama; not because it surprises bama. Even with bama's pencil-thin depth at defensive line and lack of talent and/or experience at linebacker, I just don't see it happening.

However, that doesn't mean I won't be watching and hoping.

3 Beers

1:30

N.C. State at Boston College (ESPN2)

Welcome to North Carolina State, Coach O'Brien. You spent years building Boston College into a respectable program only to leave and lose your first game. To UCF. You know, UCF? The team that lost last year to Rice, Tulane, Pittsburgh and Houston (among others).

Now, after going through that in your debut, you get to play the team that you spent every waking moment of your life building for the last few years. Boy, they sure looked good last week beating Wake Forest, didn't they, Coach? Did you see that Ryan kid throw for five touchdowns? You recruited him, right? Uh...you didn't sit in his living room, in front of his momma and daddy, and promise you were going to be with him all the way through college if only he would come play for BC, did you? And then leave to an intra-conference rival? Yeaahhh...ummmm...this could get ugly.

1 Beer

2:30

Oregon at Michigan (ABC)

Psst. You want to hear my upset special for the week? Lowly Michigan is going to become this year's Cinderella, Giant Killer by knocking off BCS favorite Oregon. Oregon is looking past this game to Fresno State. They think they can throw their jocks on the field and win this one with no problem. That, my friends, is how upsets happen. Bet the house on this one. Championship teams have to take all games seriously (even the creampuffs). Oregon is about to learn that lesson.

2 Beers

4:45

South Carolina at Georgia (ESPN2)

In this game, Spurrier faces his one weakness: A snarkless opposing coach. Seriously, how can the Ole Ball Coach be expected to make smarky pre- and post- game remarks against Mark Freakin' Richt? Hey, Steve O, Richt has adopted two kids from the Ukraine, is featured on Wheaties boxes and appeared in an evangelical football movie, for cripes sake. How about that, OBC? What...nothing? That's what I thought.

2 Beers

5:00

Notre Dame at Penn State (ESPN)

Two of the most overrated programs in the history of collegiate football playing against each other. One coach is known for accidents. The other spent his last game rotating quarterbacks quicker than you can say "Set It and Forget It!" (That's a rotisserie joke. Because he's fat). Neither are very interesting to me.

Two Sips of One Beer

8:00

USF at Auburn (ESPN2)

At one time, USF was sneaking up on Auburn and had a very, very good chance of pulling off an upset. Two things have changed since then: (1) People noticed how good USF is and began picking them as an upset (see Vandy/bama comment above); and (2) KSU almost beat Auburn last week. Based on these two things, I like Auburn's chances.

But then, I read this from Tuberville:

"You always change your gameplan," Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville said. "There's not a panic. We've won a lot of games with what we are doing. You can't change in midstream with what your quarterback knows and what your offense knows. If you changed, you'd have to go to a whole new offense and you'd be susceptible to disaster. We'll change some formations and some things. Hopefully, we hold our composure a little better and we don't lose our concentration and fundamentals, which we lost last week."

Ugh. You mean the offense that gained 291 total yards last week? Look, I understand and agree with the quote above. Tuberville has two options: (1) stay with the same gameplan and hope for consistent improvement; or (2) put in a new gameplan between games in hopes of bringing an innovative offense to the table. I KNOW Number 1 is the best choice. But, I really wish Tuberville could have just lied and said we were going to sling it all over the field on quick slant routes and screens, followed by go-routes and counter runs up the middle.

I'm looking for a good game with focus and intensity. The latter is not usually a problem; let's hope that the former isn't this week.

8:15

Virginia Tech at LSU (ESPN)

Should go a long way to determining who plays for the national title. I won't be watching.

Sips during commercial breaks.

Willie's Chant

Look, I respect K-State after Saturday's game. They outplayed the competition for 3 and 1/2 quarters and, in my opinion, came in with a better gameplan. But, unless the last name of the coach is Barfield or Bowden, Auburn will never...ever...lose to a team that uses purple dishrags and 80's rock to promote itself.

Oh, and when did KSU change its mascot to Brak?


Go KSU Wild Sharks!!!

Far Sides, SEC Style

If you get a chance, check out Gump For Heisman's "Far Sides, SEC Style". (HT to Everydayshouldbesaturday). Mr. Gump takes Gary Larson's strip and gives it an SEC flavor (from a bama fan's point of view). I especially like this one:

Posted Without Comment

Except to say that, while it doesn't eclipse Neil Lifer's photo of the Cassius Clay/Sonny Liston fight in 1965, it is just as devastating. Also, possibly the most homo-erotic football picture I've ever seen. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Well, maybe not THE most homo-erotic:

Ugly Win, I'll Take It

During the first quarter of Saturday night's game, I couldn't help but be reminded of the 2003 USC/Auburn game. Auburn's offense was absolutely atrocious and the defense couldn't seem to stop anything. I swear by all that is good and holy, if I never see another tight end drag, I'll die a happy man. In the end, though, Auburn pulled out a win against a quality opponent that will probably win seven or eight games this year. Here are the things that (1) impressed me; and (2) made me want to curl up in the fetal position:

Impressed:

(1) Quentin Groves: This guy is officially a monster. As a defensive force, Quentin has become the type of player that team's have to specifically gameplan against. He has the ability to single-handedly take over games, something that is extremely rare in the SEC.

(2) Defensive Line: Although Groves will get all of the headlines (deservedly), AU's d-line could be one of the best to ever suit up in the orange and blue. Sen'Derrick Marks, Josh Thompson, Pat Simms and Groves are absolutely filthy. Add in quality backups like Michael Goggans, Antonio Coleman, Antoine Carter, and Jake Ricks, and this D-line could be extremely special.

(3) Tray Blackmon: Although he was out of position on a few plays in the first half, Tray showed the speed and leverage that are going to make him a household name. Between blitzes and breaking up passes across the middle, this kid was a terror on the field. His last play was an interception right before halftime. During the return (in which he ran like a freakin' deer for 49 yards), Tray twisted his ankle and was out the rest of the game. If you need any evidence of what his play brings to the table, all you have to do is watch K-State's first two drives after halftime, which resulted in K-State's lone touchdown and a fieldgoal. The ankle injury reportedly is not serious and Blackmon should be fine for the USF game.

(4) Defense: Give credit to Muschamp. K-State came out with a very, very good offensive game plan: short passes, dink/dunk drives that didn't give time for AU's d-line to reach the behemoth that is Josh Freeman. After two drives, Muschamp adjusted effectively and took Freeman out of his comfort zone. Then, after K-State put together impressive drives coming out of halftime (see #3 above), Muschamp, again, put the D in a position to make plays. The end result was 318 total yards of offense (not bad), but only 13 points (when it could have been much, much worse).

(5) Special Teams: If you would have told me that the special teams were going to be the biggest strength in the game, I would have laughed in your face. Freshmen punter and field goal kicker with both starting kick returners out should have resulted in at least seven points for K-State. As it was, the special teams did not skip a beat from last year. Ryan Shoemaker averaged 42.7 yards per punt with a long of 53. Wes Byrum made 3 of 4 fieldgoals (missing a 47 yarder). Robert Dunn returned a punt 58 yards. Great observation by Ed Cunningham (who, along with Ron Franklin, is the Best Commentating Duo on T.V.): Dunn is not a blazer, but he has great body control and it certainly showed on that return.

Field goal kicker Byrum is quickly becoming one of my favorite players. When I think kicker, I think 5'8", 160 lbs soaking wet. Wes is 6'1", 213 lbs. On the opening kickoff, Wes twisted his ankle while trying to get in on the tackle. Tuberville's reaction? "He has not watched film: Kickers do not run down the field and make tackles," joked Tuberville. "That's the ol' defensive mentality." Beautiful.

(6) Ben Tate: Although his running was not overly impressive (23 carries, 82 yards, 3.9 per carry), Tate did a lot of the things you want your starting back to do. He ran north to south and followed his blockers well. He didn't fumble the ball. And, if you want some fun, rewatch the game and take a look at his blitz pickups. He was delivering some devastating blocks to protect Cox. Without Tate's blocking, Cox is sacked 3 or 4 more times. Running north/south, not fumbling, blitz pickups...doesn't sound like much, right? But these are the little things that are the difference between winning and losing ballgames. Give him some decent blocking and this kid will be reeling off 100 yard games. I was extremely worried about Lester's suspension. Now, I think AU will be fine.

(7) Receivers (catching): With the exception of Tommy "Not a Blocking Tight End" Trott, I thought the WR's and TE's did a great job catching the ball. Rodriquez stepped up and gave Cox a good target. The diving catch Gabe McKenzie made on 3rd down showed the remarkable athletic ability of this 6'4", 253 lb sophomore. All in all, a good game for a group of players that historically have not performed up to their potential.

Fetal Position

(1) Offense: The playcalling of 2004 and 2005 were nowhere to be found Saturday night. I'm not sure what has happened with Borges. It's one thing to have to gameplan with injuries (as he did last year). It's another to obstinately stick with a gameplan when it just isn't working. Here's the thing. K-State's defense was pretty predictable. They stacked the box and blitzed frequently. That meant, hypothetically, (1) it would be difficult to sustain a running game; and (2) Cox would be sacked on slow-developing pass plays. And guess what, it was difficult to sustain a running game and Cox was sacked on slow-developing pass plays. These two things happened over and over until the last drive of the game. Then, Borges called quick slants and TE releases and, I'll be damned, AU scored it's lone touchdown. Amazing. I have no idea why it took that long to change the gameplan. It may have been the stubborn need to create a running game; it may have been a desire not to "give away" looks for future opponents (doubtful); or, it may just have been an off night for Borges. Regardless of the reason, the playcalling was severely lacking.

The scary part: Every Defense Is Going to Play Auburn the Exact Same Way. Borges better be able to come up with an answer (which I think he partially did on the last drive) or it's going to be a very, very long season.

(2) Offensive Line: All right, going into this game, I wasn't expecting anything spectacular from the OL. Two freshman and only one returning starter tempered my expectations. But, 5 freakin' sacks? That doesn't even count the number of times Cox was hit after the play. The worst part? Oscar Gonzalez King Dunlap, left tackle, fifth year senior, preseason All-SEC pick and the only returning starter, graded out the worst. That is extremely disappointing. Cox (who suffered a bruised right shoulder and torn fingernail) will not make it through the season if this continues.

(3) Brandon Cox: OL woes aside, Cox played well below the expectations of what a fifth (sixth???) year starter should look like. He was staring down receivers all night (resulting in two interceptions). There were numerous plays where he focused on the "go to" receiver and missed open receivers. Even his audibles (usually a strong point) were often wrong, allowing blitzing LB's to come through unscathed. These are all things that he should not be doing this far into his career. Look, the kids a gamer; he's a winner; but last night he made a lot of stupid mistakes. What concerns me is that he should be beyond these mistakes by now. For now, I'll chalk it up to opening game jitters. Hopefully, by next Saturday, we'll see improvement.

(4) Receivers (blocking): Even though the receivers (TE's and WR's) did a great job catching the ball, they were pretty piss poor on blocking. There were a number of plays that could have resulting in big yards if the WR's had just blocked downfield. Instead, Tate or Stewart were gang tackled either at the line of scrimmage or in the backfield. This is usually a strong point for AU, so I expect to see this taken care of pretty quickly.

(5) Tackling: As with blocking for receivers, AU usually plays very good fundamental football, including tackling. Last night, however, I saw a lot of arm tackling and bad angles (especially from the secondary). If we play like that against LSU, there will be about 300 yards made off of bubble screens and slants across the middle.

Bottom Line

A win is a win is a win. Get ready, because a lot of the games this year are going to be this way.

For a little perspective, though, remember, this weekend included the greatest upset of all time (and that is not hyperbole); an emotional V-Tech barely beat East Carolina; UCF beat NC State; SEC East darkhorse South Carolina did not play well against the Ragin Cajuns; and Texas was almost upset by Arkansas State. In other words, take AU's performance with a grain of salt. It was the opening game, where Goliath's are taken down and anything can happen.

As I wrote above, it was an ugly win, but I'll take it.