Guide to Football and Beer Drinking: Week 1/Part II

5:45

Oklahoma State at Georgia (ESPN2)




You like that? Well, neither do I. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. But this is what "Pundits" are predicting. They aren't counting on one thing: Matt Stafford. This is a kid that benches kegs and is secure enough in his masculinity to spoon other men. He calls Jared Lorenzen skinny. Do you really think a guy like this is going to be scared of a team formerly coached by this guy? Uh, no. Basically, if any Oklahoma State DE tries to tackle him, Matt is simply going to eat the defender (because running is for dummies).

2 Beers

6:45

Kansas State @ Auburn (ESPN)

Contrary to any conclusions you may have reached through ESPN's marketing decisions, Auburn is, indeed, playing K-State Saturday night. I know, I know, you thought the Cal/Tennessee game was your only choice. But no, there is another alternative. I've already written how I think this game will go: Just Want Ugly Win. Since that posting, however, we've learned (1) that Brad Lester may not play and (2) that two freshman will be protecting Brandon Cox's blindside on the OL. You know, Brandon Cox? The guy that looked like this most of last season? That can't be good. Look, I'm going to be drunk Saturday night. The only question is whether I'm going to be Mr. Happy Drunk or Dear Lord Put Me Out of My Misery Drunk. Lets hope for the former.

12 Beers and 1 1/5th of Vodka

7:00

Tennessee at Cal (ABC)

This should be a very, very good game; but let's be honest. It's opening night for Auburn. This game could be mini-Ditkas vs. God and I still wouldn't be watching it. Sorry.

Sips during Commercial Breaks

Guide to Football and Beer Drinking: Week 1/Part I

It's finally here. Gone are the days of watching MAC Championship or Notre Dame replays on ESPN Classic just to make it through the night. Football is here; and I am as giddy as Nick Saban at a J.C. Penny's Gray Suit Sale; Urban Meyer during a Point and Stare competition; Ed Orgeron before he gets a hummer; Steve Spurrier in a battle of wits with Phillip Fulmer; Phillip Fulmer upon hearing that David Cutcliffe was coming back (thought I was going to go with a fat joke there, right?); Houston Nutt when he heard about the text ban for recruits; or Les Miles while he's game planning for f'ing Alabama. I'm ready.

Now, a little recap of what this Guide is supposed to be (from a previous post):

Most blogs post Friday commentary on who they think will win games. They use the spreads and (gasp) stats. Well, I absolutely stink at guessing which team will cover as a roaddog or will continue their dominance when playing on a Saturday night with a full moon. I'll say it a different way: I suck at picking teams.

However, there are two things I'm good for on Saturdays: Drinking beer and watching football. So, let's look at my schedule for tomorrow along with how many beers I think I'll drink watching each game.

Here we go:

Thursday

LSU at Mississippi State (7:00 ESPN)

This truly could be one of the worst SEC openers. Ever. But, just like a bama fan making meth at his momma's house in Arab, Alabama, I don't care what the product looks like. I just want my candy. LSU has beaten MSU by a combined score of 120-13 over the past three trips. Based on how LSU's defense is looking, it may be 160-13 after Thursday night. Coach Croom had this to say about the game: "I'm not one of those it's always nice to start off good. I'm more worried about how you finish...Regardless of the outcome against LSU, we're still going to be a good football team before the year's over." Just remember, "good" is a relative term.

3.0 Beers

Friday

Washington at Syracuse (7:00 ESPN)

Twenty years ago, this would have been a great game. Now, it's like a modern day struggle between Turkey and Greece. Two once-proud programs reduced to bickering over the true origin of male bathhouses. But, it's still the opening week of college football, so:

3.0 beers

Saturday

11:00

East Caronlina at Virginia Tech (ESPN)

Pirates, you are doomed. Let's get past the fact that V-Tech is a much, much better football team. That's a given. Just realize that if you win this game, you will be the guy who kicked the little puppy. It would be like Ivan Drago beating Rocky. Yeah, I know. You should be Rocky (all scrappy and spunky); but, this year, you're not. Get over it. Just collect your paycheck and be glad your villany is tempered by your lack of russian accent.

1 Beer

UAB at Michigan State (ESPN2)

ESPN2 continues its yearly pitiful offering in the 11:00 time slot. For years, UAB was pretty good about playing out-of-conference teams tough. Those days seem to be gone. Even Michigan State shouldn't have any problem here.

2 sips of one Beer

11:30

Western Kentucky @ Florida (JP)

The Hilltoppers join the ranks of Division 1 Football this year. And what do they get, but an opening game against Florida. Just damn. More importantly, congratulations, Florida. At the time you scheduled WKU, you thought you were getting a 1-AA champion. The football equivalent of the best hooker in Wiggins, Mississippi. Sure, she's a good egg and will give you her best shot, but she's still from rural Mississippi and no one's heard of her. Instead, you've now get a very crappy Division 1 school. Basically, a middle-aged stripper from New York. Nothing to be proud of, but at least she's not from Mississippi.

1 Beer (and a penicillin shot)

2:30

Washington State @ Wisconsin (ABC)

Honestly, these are my favorite non-SEC teams. WSU will forever hold a soft-spot in my heart for allowing Auburn to get over its "preseason game" jitters last year while still remaining a respectable win by going 6-6 with wins over Oregon and UCLA. Wisconsin? Well, besides my unhealthy fascination with P.J. Hill, Wisconsin is very similar to Auburn football: Pound-the-rock running game; smash mouth football; and love of a good fan cheer (Language):




Three Beers

Georgia Tech @ Notre Dame (NBC)

Jackets, take a deep breath. Enjoy the moment. You are now entering the post-Reggie Ball era. No more throwing the ball out of bounds on fourth down or academic suspensions from bowl games. Of course, you also don't have Calvin Johnson. So, we'll call it a draw. Notre Dame lost, well, everyone in the draft and Charlie Weis is trying to keep anyone from noticing by playing the part of the coy southern girl and keeping the starting quarterback's identity a BIG SECRET. Guess what? Don't care. Georgia Tech should pound Notre Dame into the ground. But, being that G-Tech is not not playing Auburn, the Jackets will probably lose. Should be a good game, though.

Two Beers

Missouri @ Illinois (ESPN2)

In this clash of the Big Ten/Big Twelve Titans, these two teams will square up against...I can't do it. No interest whatsoever.

Make Beer Run


All right. I'll continue the rundown in Part II. Real life interferes.

A K-State review from a Longhorn's Perspective

Scipio Tex at Barking Carnival gives an excellent review of this year's K-State Wildcats. No signs of bias and packed full of stats.

[Disclaimer: By that, I mean it's biased and has very few stats.]

Obvious Laugh Line: "Josh Freeman is averse to almost of the principles espoused by Mr Joseph Pilates. He played as a solid 235 pound freshman, channeled his inner Kristie Alley to balloon to 265 in the offseason, and then Ron Prince stuck his fingers in Freeman’s throat to get him down to 253."

Subtle, Yet Impressive Line: "Leon Patton is my favorite guy on the team. Like most decent players in the Big 12 North, he hails from Texas. He’s a poor man’s Darren Sproles, who is, in turn, a poor man’s Brian Westbrook. He runs with heart, he’s quick, and he produces when played: a 5.6 yards per carry average. Naturally, Prince won’t give him the solo starting gig, sometimes preferring James Johnson, who is as common a RB as his name suggests."

Sometimes it's the little things

Outstanding job:

Also, if you feel like wasting a little time, check out Saban's press conference after the last scrimmage. Zip past the yadda yadda until the ten minute mark. The guy basically says that his children picked up on things quicker than the press. Over the course of the interview, he calls the press corps idiots about four times. I can't wait until Saban's first blowout/egg loss. I'm going to play a drinking game. Every time Saban tries to act like a member of the press is asking a stupid question, I'm taking a shot. And then laugh.

A Little Prognostication

Last year was an up-and-down experience as an Auburn fan. Highs (LSU/Florida) gave way to lows (GA/Ark); but, it was Tuberville's best year of coaching. This year, he may have to do an even better job to reach the ten-win mark. An extremely tough schedule, replacing four out of five OL's and finding a go-to receiver could result in a disappointing year for some AU fans.

Let's look at the first three games on AU's schedule. I'm also including some photos of the biggest "fans". Know your enemy and stuff. I'll wait to break down the other games after we play a few:

Sept. 1, 2007
Kansas State (ESPN) 6:45 pm CT: It's a quality opener. It's not Texas; but, it's not Western Carolina, either (ahem). More importantly, I am thankful it's not Texas. The D will have to be ready out of the gates, because the offense won't be. Look for an ugly win (but a win, nonetheless).

KSU was not exactly a world beater last year. They finished the year ranked 105th in scoring offense (21.2 points per game) and 122nd in scoring defense (22.7 points per game). It was a schizophrenic team throughtout the year, indicative of the youth it started on both offense and defense. KSU won its first three games (Illinois State, Florida Atlantic, Marshall), lost 4 out of its next 5 games (Louisville, Baylor, Nebraska, Missouri), rattled off three impressive wins (Iowa State, Colorado, Texas), and then promptly lost its last two (Kansas, Rutgers).

As I said, it was a young team (and will continue to be this year). Four out of its eleven starters on offense are sophomores (including returning starter Josh Freemen at quarterback). The defense is a little better with only two sophomore starters.

The Cats should be better this year with another year of experience under its quarterback's belt. The Texas win was huge (even though Texas's aptly-named quarterback, Colt McCoy, was knocked out early in the game) and probably gave the kids something to draw upon. However, AU should win this game.

Sept. 8, 2007
South Florida (ESPN2) 8:00 pm CT: Holy crap this game scares the bejesus out of me. USF's D is good and has the potential to be absolutely filthy. Last year, it ranked 18th in scoring defense; 26th in total defense; and returns seven starters. Offense is so/so, but USF's QB is a gamer. USF ranked 65th last year in offensive scoring (AU was 56th).

The major problem with this game is that, while it may be "just another game" to AU, it is the game of the year for USF. That means we are going to get their best shot. We better be ready and pumped. Otherwise, it could get ugly. Hope for a win; any win will do.

Sept. 15, 2007
Miss. State (LF Sports) 11:30 am CT: Thank you, Jebus, for allowing AU's SEC opener to be against MSU. Amen. I don't think I really need to break this game down. MSU is not, well, what we call a good football team. In fact, they, uh, suck.

I'm leaving the rest of the schedule up and will comment at a later time. Until then, I leave you with this great photo from the folks at Rivals:

That's Mario Fannin. He's going to be good. And stuff.

Sept. 22, 2007
New Mexico St.
6:00 pm CT

Sept. 29, 2007
at Florida
TBA

Oct. 6, 2007
Vanderbilt
TBA

Oct. 13, 2007
at Arkansas
TBA

Oct. 20, 2007
at LSU
TBA

Oct. 27, 2007
Ole Miss
TBA

Nov. 3, 2007
Tennessee Tech
1:30 pm CT

Nov. 10, 2007
at Georgia
TBA

Nov. 24, 2007
Alabama
TBA