Guide to Football and Beer Drinking: Week 1/Part I

It's finally here. Gone are the days of watching MAC Championship or Notre Dame replays on ESPN Classic just to make it through the night. Football is here; and I am as giddy as Nick Saban at a J.C. Penny's Gray Suit Sale; Urban Meyer during a Point and Stare competition; Ed Orgeron before he gets a hummer; Steve Spurrier in a battle of wits with Phillip Fulmer; Phillip Fulmer upon hearing that David Cutcliffe was coming back (thought I was going to go with a fat joke there, right?); Houston Nutt when he heard about the text ban for recruits; or Les Miles while he's game planning for f'ing Alabama. I'm ready.

Now, a little recap of what this Guide is supposed to be (from a previous post):

Most blogs post Friday commentary on who they think will win games. They use the spreads and (gasp) stats. Well, I absolutely stink at guessing which team will cover as a roaddog or will continue their dominance when playing on a Saturday night with a full moon. I'll say it a different way: I suck at picking teams.

However, there are two things I'm good for on Saturdays: Drinking beer and watching football. So, let's look at my schedule for tomorrow along with how many beers I think I'll drink watching each game.

Here we go:

Thursday

LSU at Mississippi State (7:00 ESPN)

This truly could be one of the worst SEC openers. Ever. But, just like a bama fan making meth at his momma's house in Arab, Alabama, I don't care what the product looks like. I just want my candy. LSU has beaten MSU by a combined score of 120-13 over the past three trips. Based on how LSU's defense is looking, it may be 160-13 after Thursday night. Coach Croom had this to say about the game: "I'm not one of those it's always nice to start off good. I'm more worried about how you finish...Regardless of the outcome against LSU, we're still going to be a good football team before the year's over." Just remember, "good" is a relative term.

3.0 Beers

Friday

Washington at Syracuse (7:00 ESPN)

Twenty years ago, this would have been a great game. Now, it's like a modern day struggle between Turkey and Greece. Two once-proud programs reduced to bickering over the true origin of male bathhouses. But, it's still the opening week of college football, so:

3.0 beers

Saturday

11:00

East Caronlina at Virginia Tech (ESPN)

Pirates, you are doomed. Let's get past the fact that V-Tech is a much, much better football team. That's a given. Just realize that if you win this game, you will be the guy who kicked the little puppy. It would be like Ivan Drago beating Rocky. Yeah, I know. You should be Rocky (all scrappy and spunky); but, this year, you're not. Get over it. Just collect your paycheck and be glad your villany is tempered by your lack of russian accent.

1 Beer

UAB at Michigan State (ESPN2)

ESPN2 continues its yearly pitiful offering in the 11:00 time slot. For years, UAB was pretty good about playing out-of-conference teams tough. Those days seem to be gone. Even Michigan State shouldn't have any problem here.

2 sips of one Beer

11:30

Western Kentucky @ Florida (JP)

The Hilltoppers join the ranks of Division 1 Football this year. And what do they get, but an opening game against Florida. Just damn. More importantly, congratulations, Florida. At the time you scheduled WKU, you thought you were getting a 1-AA champion. The football equivalent of the best hooker in Wiggins, Mississippi. Sure, she's a good egg and will give you her best shot, but she's still from rural Mississippi and no one's heard of her. Instead, you've now get a very crappy Division 1 school. Basically, a middle-aged stripper from New York. Nothing to be proud of, but at least she's not from Mississippi.

1 Beer (and a penicillin shot)

2:30

Washington State @ Wisconsin (ABC)

Honestly, these are my favorite non-SEC teams. WSU will forever hold a soft-spot in my heart for allowing Auburn to get over its "preseason game" jitters last year while still remaining a respectable win by going 6-6 with wins over Oregon and UCLA. Wisconsin? Well, besides my unhealthy fascination with P.J. Hill, Wisconsin is very similar to Auburn football: Pound-the-rock running game; smash mouth football; and love of a good fan cheer (Language):




Three Beers

Georgia Tech @ Notre Dame (NBC)

Jackets, take a deep breath. Enjoy the moment. You are now entering the post-Reggie Ball era. No more throwing the ball out of bounds on fourth down or academic suspensions from bowl games. Of course, you also don't have Calvin Johnson. So, we'll call it a draw. Notre Dame lost, well, everyone in the draft and Charlie Weis is trying to keep anyone from noticing by playing the part of the coy southern girl and keeping the starting quarterback's identity a BIG SECRET. Guess what? Don't care. Georgia Tech should pound Notre Dame into the ground. But, being that G-Tech is not not playing Auburn, the Jackets will probably lose. Should be a good game, though.

Two Beers

Missouri @ Illinois (ESPN2)

In this clash of the Big Ten/Big Twelve Titans, these two teams will square up against...I can't do it. No interest whatsoever.

Make Beer Run


All right. I'll continue the rundown in Part II. Real life interferes.